A Barbie in a Baby doll world.

I have a four-year-old daughter. My four-year-old loves baby dolls and plays with them daily but recently she was given her first Barbie doll. I was sitting on the floor in her room after work last week and we were playing together with her dolls.

Her doll’s name is Daisy and my doll’s name is Bertha. Bertha and Daisy are sisters and one is very sweet while the other is very cranky (I’ll let you guess whose doll acts in which way).

As we were playing with our dolls, my daughter picked up her new Barbie doll and began to play with it in a similar style to the way she plays with Bertha and Daisy.

She tried to dress the newly named Barbie up in Daisy’s clothes, but the clothes did not fit and in response my daughter got frustrated. She tried to push the Barbie in Bertha’s toy stroller, but the tiny doll kept falling out and it made my girl mad.

My daughter tried to give Barbie a pacifier, the one she always shoves into Bertha’s mouth when mom makes Bertha scream and cry (ahem, I mean when baby Bertha cries). But Barbie's tiny mouth would not take the binky and my daughter got angry.

“I’m so sorry babe, the Barbie just doesn’t fit. The Barbie was not made for the Baby doll toys, she was made for different toys.” I tried to explain this fact as rationally as one can to a three-year-old. However, reasoning with toddlers is not an easy task.

In that moment I wanted to teach my daughter that different toys had different purposes. I wanted to help my child understand that sometimes things were not going to go how she wanted them to. I wanted my daughter to learn that it was okay to play differently at this moment in time, but God wanted to teach me some very similar lessons at the same time.

“You don’t fit. You weren’t made for this “thing”, but it’s okay because I have made other things for you.” I could feel God not gently reminding me, but screaming audibly at me....

“Bethany, you don’t fit! This isn’t the toy that I created for you.... that is why you don’t fit!”

The words have taken up space in my head and my heart for nearly a week and keep repeating themselves now as I sit down to work on this project. The words replaying in my head and the feelings that I have inside make me feel frustrated, and sometimes downright angry.

I am the Barbie in baby doll clothes.

I am the toy that was gifted, opened, and thrown into a world that doesn’t feel ready for me.

I’m not the right shape.

I’m not the right size.

I do not align with the style.

And, I don’t like it.

For most of my life, I have felt like I do not belong where I am at. I have felt like a Barbie doll in a toddler’s bedroom. I have felt like the object that was interesting at first, but then the way that I function or look is not what people want so I have been discarded, and sometimes thrown across the room.

I have caused frustration.

I have caused anger.

I have caused tears.

Yes, we could easily look in on this mother-daughter moment and see the bigger picture. We know that in the future things will change and my toddler will grow to play with Barbie dolls. There is no reason to throw away the toy because she’s not ready for it yet, she will grow and we will buy more Barbie things, right?

We can easily say the same about my feelings and situation. We know that God made me and placed me here and that He has a plan. We know that there is potential for me to be useful one day but the world around me has to grow and change for me to find my place.

We know that being alone here, or feeling alone, could mean that I am the ‘Barbie trailblazer’ and carving a path for those who will follow me. We know that God created me and all of my quirks, we know that He has a plan. We know Jeremiah 29:11.

My frustrated toddler threw her Barbie doll across the room, crossed her arms, and sat on her bed pouting and crying. I empathize with her feelings because I find myself wanting to do the same thing.

Not only have I been the toy, but I have been the child too.

I am also the angry kid who just does not understand. I am the child whose parent is trying to teach her and show her that different toys and things have different purposes. I am the one who is hyper-focused on her own wants and refuses to open her eyes to see something different.

I’ve felt left out and like I do not belong hundreds of times in my life.

I have been frustrated, angry, and overwhelmed.

I have wanted to scream back at God and ask Him “If I don’t belong here then why did you put me here? Why did you surround me with these things that are not for me? Why aren’t you providing me with tools and people that are made for me? Why? Why am I stuck here with all of this stupid “not belonging”? Why can’t you just put me where I do belong?”

These situations I find myself stuck in over and over again do not feel comfortable, they feel awkward and lonely. They hurt. They hurt and I am tired of experiencing them.

Today's post is not about giving advice. Today's post is not full of encouragement, positive words, or even scripture. Today's post is actually a preview of a very special project that I am hoping will take place soon.

I have always wanted to be an author, and in many ways I am. I have always wanted to be a teacher and a speaker. When I was in the thick of my UPCI, pentecostal days I was determined to be just that, and while I have stepped aside and changed, not every desire I have has left me.

As I work toward reclaiming my dreams and putting my love of life and others into relatable content and words I can share with others, today I just ask that if this post resonated with you, or if you would be interested in reading more (Like a book *hint hint*) that you leave a comment and let me know or reach out to join a potential team of beta readers.

Thank you friends.