Devotion or Decoration?

I grew up in a Pentecostal home. (I had literally the most amazing child-hood!) Hair is a very big deal to Pentecostal women and I grew up within that culture as the oldest of three girls. My mother and my sisters alike all had stunning, long hair. My hair has never grown past my elbows.

I fought a lot of jealousy and confusion growing up over the length of my hair and as a teenager decided that since my hair was never going to be super long and beautiful that I was going to become fantastic at styling it. Every single day I would spend hours on my hair. I kid you not.

I learned and experimented with curlers and straighteners, had a huge assortment of hairbands, headbands, hats and pins to style my hair with. I lived by the modo “the higher the hair the closer to Jesus” and prided myself on my elaborate pinned curls and poofs. I was known for my hairstyles. I was also known in my home for having emotional breakdowns and bursts of anger when I was having a bad hair day. Ask my sisters, I would scream and cry if a curl wouldn’t hold or a pin would not stay in place… My hair was what I was becoming known for. I wanted perfection.

Now, nothing is wrong with a good hair-do. I still love looking at hair tutorials on Instagram and twisting my locks back into fun buns, but something has changed within me. Maybe it's all of the pain that I have walked through with “faith crisis”, “spiritual deconstruction” or maybe it is God calling me out for my pride. Whatever the reason the farther away I have stepped from my Pentecostal heritage the flatter my hair has gotten (no pun intended).

I’ve learned that what may have started with a genuine heart and desire for “devotion to God” had evolved and grown into a decoration in my life. A symbol. My hair became my identity, my calling card, my declaration of who I was… Seriously, my hair became more important than anything else, including Christ.

(**Now before you go pointing fingers and saying that this sounds like a “personal problem”, is my own fault/responsibility or you start riding that high horse that blames only me- realize now and look at all of the things I have to say: I am not blaming anyone but myself. No fingers are being pointed anywhere in this post. Okay? Okay. Thanks.**)

My hair was not a declaration of my devotion to God. It never was.

My hair was a personal decoration to myself that I wanted to be proud of.

My hair had nothing to do with Christ. My hair had become about myself. My hair was an ornamental display of my skills and my accomplishments. My angry reactions to bad hair days were completely uncalled for moments of self-pity and egomania. My hair was for myself.

The biggest difference between a decoration and a devotion is the motivation behind it. When I was younger my motivation for my hair started out with the best of intentions but over time it evolved. God sees/saw my heart and He saw the intention that I had in my heart when I did my hair. If I take a curler to my hair with the thought process of “I wonder how many compliments I can get if I style this a certain way,” or “I have to make my hair stand out in the crowd so that everyone sees me and wants to know who I am…” those thoughts are about myself, and God knows that.

That was my thought process. That was my intention.

I lived for a long time using the term “apostolic identity” and using my appearance as my “spiritual calling card”. Yes, those are real terms that we used in my home growing up. It was instilled in me that as a female in the holiness movement that people needed to be able to recognize that there was something different about me from across a parking lot or store. I had to look ‘separated’ and the verse Romans 12:1 (I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.) was often used as an example that our bodies meant our appearance and that was the sacrifice that proved our holiness and was the least we could do for God.

Growing up, (whether this was intentional or not) everything was about our appearance. Especially as a girl, the way I looked and dressed counted for absolutely everything. Looking back now it is no wonder that I became obsessed with how my hair looked at all times.

Obsessing is what I did. I spent hours and hours damaging every hair on my head with a curling iron and multiple perms. My clothes and body (not to mention room and bathroom) were caked with layer upon layer of hairspray. I worked hard perfecting my hair. I worked hard to declare and show my dedication and devotion to God with my hair. I had to prove my love, I had to show my love. I had to gain attention. My decoration (my hair/appearance ) was my symbol of devotion, my calling card to the world.

How would anyone know that I was a devoted follower of God if I did not portray the perfect, instantly recognizable image of a separated, holiness, apostolic Pentecostal girl?

Matthew 7:15-20 (NKJV) “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them.”

When the realization of my motivation actually sunk in I felt a lot of guilt in my heart.

I still do.

I was wrong. I was doing the wrong things, and I was doing the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I was putting all my spiritual emphasis and effort into my appearance (specially my hair) and none into my heart and soul. I was doing these things not because of the call of Christ, but to prove myself and bring attention to myself.

My priorities became about pleasing myself. My motivation shifted somewhere in the middle and nothing I did was about pleasing or showing God to others. I did not strive to have the world see Jesus through my hair, or in me, I wanted the world to see me. Yes, I wanted to stand out and be seen as something different, but my goal was not to have them see Jesus, it was to have them notice me, wonder about me, want to follow my style example, I wanted them to be impressed with and by me.

The Bible never teaches us that the world will recognize us by the way we appear. What the Bible does tell us is that the world sees and recognizes us by the fruits we bear. The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23) and it teaches us that the way to bear these fruits is to live a life dedicated to God and seeking His will and Spirit.

I was not trying to bear any fruits in my appearance. Actually, in the opposite of bearing fruit I was building up pride and vanity in my own self and my own abilities. I was constantly trying to prove myself and obtain an image that would make others proud of me.

Jesus isn’t asking us to prove or show our love in rituals, dress-codes, elaborate gatherings, or fancy designs. God doesn’t ask us to decorate our lives or our selves. All Jesus asks of us is for Him to be the center of our lives.

There is one verse (Hosea 6:6) from the prophets that Jesus quotes twice in Matthew, and it is this one: “I desire mercy, not sacrifices.” This means before you come to serve, give, or devote some part of yourself or life to God that He wants you to bring your heart with true intentions. What God is really after is a devoted heart. He wants to see us show mercy the way God shows mercy. You could translate this Hosea verse as saying that what God really wants is devotion. Real devotion.

Do I still want you to serve in your church? Absolutely. Does God still want you to dress modestly? Yes. But, as the Apostle Paul wrote, 1 Corinthians 13:3 (ESV): “ If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. “He simply wants our focus to be on Him. We are promised that rest (our hearts and our lives) will be transformed and controlled by God when we surrender our hearts to Him.

Matthew 6:28-34 (ESV)28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 22:37–38 (ESV) tells us “And He said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.”

Like I stated above, I am not pointing fingers and blaming anyone but myself for my crazed obsession with hairstyling and appearance. Do I believe that a lot of movements and churches are placing way too much emphasis on how people look and pushing people into skewed views of what ‘devotion to God’ and ‘separation from the world’ are? Yes. One hundred percent.

If I could go back and yank the can of hairspray out of my younger hand and have a heart to heart with her I would. I would help my younger self to read God’s word and learn that we cannot place our value on our appearance. Looking a certain way, holding a strict standard, standing out in a crowd or having a particular identity is not going to make us better or closer to God. Our appearance and outward declarations are not going to make us more saved and earn us a trophy in heaven. I can’t go back in time and change my choices or actions so instead I am writing this today…. to you, my friends.

God’s not after decoration, God wants devotion.

Devotion is defined as true love, loyalty and enthusiasm to a person. A “declaration” that is done only because you are told to do it, or are trying to please and impress people is not a declaration: it is simply a decoration. Both outward declarations and decorations are fine and dandy with me if you really want to have a physical symbol to show the world you follow Christ (I see nothing wrong with it and I won’t stop you) but a declaration without any true devotion is pointless.