spiritual abuse?

I’d like to give a trigger warning for today’s post and a simple FYI before beginning.

Today I am talking about spiritual abuse. I will not go into serious or harmful detail.

I both understand and acknowledge that the snippets of abuse I will share are trivial compared to those others have endured. Abuse does come in many shapes, sizes, and forms but all abuse and manipulation (however small it seems) does impact those who endure it.

Anyone who has felt the trauma and experienced the pain of abuse and manipulation in any form carries pain and scars and that pain and trauma is valid in all forms. Your hurt is/was real and should not be ignored or downplayed by anyone.

“This is not who you are supposed to be.” It came out sounding like a demand, a ‘declaration’. She stated it as if it were an obvious fact. My youth leader's wife’s voice was firm and her hands were on her hips as she glared down at me.

“You are a preacher’s daughter. You have been raised in a good, godly home, you have everything that these other young people do not have…” My youth leader’s wife went on scolding me, but I couldn’t look at her. I stared down at my nylon covered legs and heels.

She had just called me out in front of the entire youth group class and asked me to step outside and talk to her, now she was demanding that I meet her gaze.

“Your behavior is inexcusable. You should be the example in this youth group. You need to stop trying to be like everyone else and be who you were raised to be. You know better than this. You know what is right and wrong, and you are not doing what is right.”

I remember just staring at the floor, frozen in that moment with tears forming in the corners of my eyes. All I could focus on was attempting to control the flood of emotions welling up inside of me and keeping them from bursting out as she went on scolding me.

“You should know better. I know you know better. I know that your parents have taught you better.” I heard those words over and over. “You know better…” “You should know better…” “You know… ‘you know what you are supposed to do and who you are supposed to be’. Mixing in a repeated "You are doing wrong" and condemnation for what I "should know" or "should be doing" taunted me over and over every Sunday.

It was expected that I, as a preacher’s daughter, should know and do certain things. That I, as a Pentecostal since birth, should be an example to others. This was not the first time people had held high expectations of me. I was barely sixteen years old and I had already grown accustomed to people looking at me, and my family, and anticipating certain things and behaviors.

The things people expected of me felt difficult. The perfect image and ideas of who and what I should be according to people like my youth leader’s wife (we will call her Sister N) seemed unobtainable. I always seemed to fall short of the expectation.

All I wanted was to fit in with the people my own age that were around me.

I wanted to make people happy, I want to know and understand what was expected of me and why, but more than anything I desperately wanted to be accepted.

I had been publicly called out in the middle of youth class by the youth leader’s wife for something simple. Most likely it was eye-roll, a crossing of arms, or letting my mind drift off and not paying attention to the lesson. This public shaming I was experiencing by being removed from class would be one of the kindest of her sermons to me, but it would not be the last. As time went on the youth leader and his wife would seemingly build a case against me and call me out in class, criticize, ridicule, correct me, and even remove me from youth events on multiple occasions.

One Sunday she scolded me for what I was wearing and told me that her young daughter was supposed to be able to look up to me as a good role model, but could not because my watch band was too gaudy, and my tank top kept slipping down showing my boobs.

On a youth group outing to a revival service she forced me to sit in a separate pew with her and not my peers so that I would be able to worship without hindrance. Because according to her, “spiritually I had been very weak and I needed to have a chance to connect with God.”

I was cornered by both of them on multiple occasions and lectured for my innocent teenage actions. They always threatened that I would ruin my parent’s ministry or I would cause them to not be able to minister anymore if I did not set a better example, and if I did not straighten up my act I would end up burning in hell. These threats still plague my mind today.

On another Sunday her husband began yelling at my mother publicly and I was taken into the pastor’s office for standing up to him and calling his actions inappropriate and disrespectful.

I finally used that Pastor’s office visit to address some of the behaviors, but the pastor sided with the youth leader and I was told that I was the disrespectful one. I was forced to give an apology.

All of their actions would be labeled as ‘looking out for me, or “my soul”.’ They would be called great, passionate leaders with hearts for truth and the youth. To me, they would not be the first or the last in a line of spiritual bullies that I would face.

They often made me feel like a worthless sinner. They made me constantly question my value. They made me feel small. They made me feel like I was constantly wrong in wanting to fit in with my peers.

I was never good enough for them. I never was able to be who they “knew I should be”.

I did not know it at the time, and I fought off the idea for a very long time afterwards, but I was a victim in that youth group. Those youth group leaders whether they intended to or not were spiritually and emotionally abusive.

If I could go back in time and snatch up that sixteen year old girl who was called out in front of her class, I would. I would grab her and instead of shaking her shoulders and screaming at her I would stop her in her tracks and give her a much needed hug. I would try to reassure her and save her from a world of hurt. I would try to help her make sense of all the pain and fear she was feeling inside. Yes, I would tell her to find her voice and stand up for herself too, but, I cannot go back.

Coming to terms with the realization that I was a victim of abuse and carry trauma from the way they treated me took a long time. I did not believe that people in church could use someone's faith and belief to manipulate them, or shame them, but it can be done.

Yes, I acknowledge the fact that those youth leaders may not have intended to hurt me. I acknowledge the fact that I do feel hurt, bitter, and upset at the way things were handled. However, I also acknowledge the fact that it did happen, they did use faith to shame and manipulate me as a young woman, and the actions they took (regardless of what the motivation was) were wrong.

I've learned a lot about spiritual abuse and trauma and here is what I would like to share:

A very vital thing that I have learned is that not every abuser has the intention to hurt people. Infact, most people we would label as “abusers” never longed to harm anyone.

I now know that in my past attempts to minister to people I have used tactics that could be considered abusive and manipulative. The idea that I could have hurt someone or caused them trauma with my zealousness and lack of understanding is absolutely devastating to me.

I do not know, but I can assume that my youth leader’s really did want to see the best in me. I can assume that they saw my upbringing and my potential and wanted me to follow in my parent’s footsteps. I can assume that they wanted to see me as a good, holiness girl living a life unbothered by and un-conformed to the world around me.

However, while the motivation may have been good, the actions taken and the execution of that motivation was handled very poorly.

Abusers may not always have the intention of abusing others.

When there is no proper understanding of manipulation and abuse it is easy for intentions to become flawed and execution to become incorrect and dangerous.

There must be an understanding of what spiritual abuse is within churches, and there needs to be systems to correct and call out anyone that uses someone's faith as a way to manipulate or control them.

Spiritual abuse is defined as the use of psychological and emotional manipulation, characterized by a systematic pattern of using coercive and controlling behavior within the teachings of religion.

Anyone can be an abuser, whether abuse and/or manipulation was their original intention or not. And everyone, no matter how strong of a person they may be can be a victim of abuse.

For a very long time I did not see myself as a victim of abuse. For a very long time I refused to open my eyes up to abuse or an understanding of what spiritual trauma truly is. I was proud that I had never witnessed or been involved in abuse.

Key word there, proud, I was proud. The pride that I had masked the reality of situations I had been in. MY pride hid my abuse and my trauma. (both that I experienced receiving and took part in giving to others)

Previously, when I would think of abuse I would think of women who were violently raped or beaten. But, abuse is not always physical. And abuse is not always easy to spot or understand.

When someone manipulates your actions with threats of embarrassment, your salvation, or taking away your abilities to socialize or serve that is abuse.

If you find yourself and your actions being manipulated by someone who holds a position of authority over you, or you feel pressured to conform to what a person expects or wants out of you at the risk of losing something you hold as important, do not keep it to yourself. Do not endure silently like I did.

I could have and should have spoken up long before that visit to the pastor's office. Even if no one would have heard me, cared, or tried to change things. I should have opened my mouth a lot sooner about the fear and turmoil I was experiencing. I should have told my parents what I was feeling. But I was scared, so I stayed silent.

Writing this today is the first time I have admitted to anyone that I was the victim of spiritual abuse within a church and addressed a specific situation. I can look back today and see how detrimental my lack of understanding was. Not understanding what was happening and not having the tools to process it and learn from my experience made my experiences seem "normal" and allowed abusive situations to continue in my life as normal events.

My spiritual and emotional abuse experiences did not end with my youth leaders they continued for years throughout various other "leaders", people, and churches. Abusive experiences did not stay within church walls but grew within relationships with friends, significant others, and family members. I did not understand what was happening or that it was wrong so emotional manipulation and abuse became normal.

Abuse is a scary thing. Abusers are scary people.

I was terrified that my youth leader’s were right about me and that I was just a bad girl who would ruin my parent’s reputation and had no chances of making it to heaven. Those are the things they told me would happen and I believed them, as ridiculous as that sounds. I also believed that because they were leaders placed over me that it did not matter who I told or what I said to other people. My leaders had been given authority and I was just a kid. I was not being beaten. They did not put their hands on me. It was not that big of a deal… or at least at the time it did not seem like one.

Coming to terms with the fact that you were not treated correctly by someone in your life and recognizing it as what it is, abuse, is a very hard thing to do. I did not process any of my spiritual manipulation or abuse until I was twenty-seven. I simply ignored it and blocked it out.

At sixteen years old all I wanted was for the lectures and uncomfortable Sunday morning youth group classes to stop. All I wanted was to make people happy and the only way I could see making all of this happen was to become who everyone wanted me to be. To become “who I was supposed to be” who I “knew I needed to be.”

So I became a people pleaser.

That is a story for another day.

Abuse is a real thing that really happens to people in every church denomination and walk of life. Abuse is not always possible to escape. However, if we can educate others and ourselves on how to recognize and understand what abuse (in any and all forms) is then imagine how many lives we help. If I would have understood what was happening to me at sixteen and working to escape it I could have saved myself years of painful experiences and trauma.

I ask anyone reading to please ensure that they are educating themselves and other on what abuse is and how it can happen. Educate your friends, yourself, your children, and people in your church.

Be aware of others. Be aware of yourself.

Every human is capable of manipulation and abuse. Every human is capable of being traumatized and hurt. But, every human is also capable of grace, understanding, education, and raising their voice to stop harm from happening.

Helpful Podcast Suggestions:

Grace Story Part One & Two

Truth Trauma Theology