Who I am.

I saw a post on Instagram this morning and it felt like the perfect introduction, the post read in white letters on a solid, black background said “I am who I am because I can’t unsee the things I saw.”

All of my life I have believed in the power that words have, specifically the power that true and meaningful words have, but this simple statement wrecked something inside of me.

“I am who I am because I can’t unsee the things I saw.”

Oof. Maybe that sentence does not have the same effect on you when you read it. Perhaps you see those words and think “yeah, well, we have all seen things.” Friend, I agree. We have all seen things. We have all seen and experienced things. I also agree that those things we have lived through and seen have made us each who we are.

I’m almost thirty (and I totally get that 30 is not old, so don’t come for me). At almost thirty I have seen a lot. I was involved with church and ministry for all of my teenage years and almost all of my adult life. I’ve worked on the technical side of church in a sound booth, I have cleaned toilets and swept floors multiple times. I have written and given sermons, worked altar calls, taught Sunday school lessons, prayed for and even advised people. I have been inside a church multiple times a week, never missing and never late.

I have also sat in a bed and on a couch on a Sunday morning shaking and physically unable to get up and move on. I have walked out of church buildings with rage boiling up in my chest and my heart pounding from panic attacks. I have sat sobbing in cars and parking lots unable to enter a building as I face emotions that mix fear with sadness and desperation.

I have sat surrounded. I have sat alone.

I have encountered the highest accolades and pats on the back.

I have been told that I was "one of the best", "blessed and highly favored", and "going to do great things in the kingdom." I have been proudly welcomed to table's and introduced as "the evangelist's daughter" and even as "the evangelist" herself.

I have experienced the worst fears, anger and rejection.

I have been labeled as a "reprobate", I've been told that "I just want to sin", that "I know better than this", and that "I'm going off the deep end and leaving truth." I have been blatantly ignored in shopping malls and grocery stores because of what I was wearing.

I am who I am because I can’t unsee the things I saw.

I cannot unsee the things I saw. I cannot change the things I’ve experienced. I cannot undo the things I’ve done. I cannot erase the things I’ve learned. I cannot forget the things I have felt.

I cannot change the past, and I cannot change who I am.

I cannot change who I have become. Can I?

The truth is that I do not want to be the person that I am.

No, really, I do not like this person that I have become. I do not want to be her. I don't even want to be around her. I do not like who I am. I do not like the things that I have seen, or how they have changed me.

Ten years ago I was blissfully happy and excited about my life. Ten years ago I had family members that were proud of me and encouraging me as I looked forward to a future with my new boyfriend and ministry.

Ten years ago I walked around with blinders on and was blissfully unaware. I had no knowledge of what spiritual abuse was, had no experience with ptsd, panic attacks, religious trauma… or anything similar. These phrases did not exist anywhere in my life.

Ten years ago I lived in a happy, self-centered, protected and joy filled bubble.

I keep finding myself wanting to go back and to revert to that blissfully unaware and happy person that I was. Everyone around me loved being around that person. Everyone around me had a good time with that person.

I liked who I was. I liked her. I liked being her.

That girl saw so much good.

I never wanted to become this broken, hurting, sobbing, and somber person who dreads family dinners. I never wanted to be the girl who cannot decide on a new home church, does not want to get involved in church activities, and cringes at every altar call.

I do not want to be her.

I do not want to have "triggers".

I want to go back to the time when I did not know that I had been manipulated and experienced repeated spiritual abuse at the hands of a youth leader and his wife.

I want to return to the un-aware, unbothered person that thought that waking and crying with dreams of hell and fear were positive things that kept me ready for heaven as a child.

I want to go back to believing that I was in control of things. The days where I believed that if I just wore a longer dress, worshipped louder, or gave more money to the church gave me a feeling of reassurance and a sense of control. I thought that if I did more than I would be more secure. I believed I could earn more love, respect, and grace by my own actions.

I want to be excited to get dressed up in my heels and fancy hair for a whole day of Sunday church services, choir music, foot stomping and very late nights at Applebee's with big groups of church friends.

I want to return to camps, youth rallies, and platforms.

I miss it all so much. I miss my old self so much.

The worst part of all of this is that no matter how hard I try to go back to being “her” again, I cannot. I cannot be her again. I have seen and experienced too much.

I have tried to fake it and pretend that I am still her for so very long. I cannot do it anymore.

“I am who I am because I can’t unsee the things I saw.”

I am no longer that naïve girl who saw so much good because one day I saw something different.

I am who I am today because one Sunday morning I realized that a church did not need to raise millions with "sacrificial offerings" to build onto a building when hurting families were struggling just to feed their children on a Sunday afternoon.

One day the preacher telling me to give more, be more, and do more in order to be saved conflicted with scripture and I realized that I could do nothing to earn or deserve my salvation.

One day I realized just how much the rules were constantly changing.

When I realized that screaming certain requirements and pushing guilt, shame, and fear onto people was not only a gross misrepresentation of a holy God, but also a dangerous and abusive tactic of a denomination of faith I could not unsee it.

When I realized that I was sitting in a seat judging people, their relationship with God, and their salvation simply based off of the way they look I could not move past it.

I saw something and I cannot unsee it. I changed and I cannot un-change.

One day I saw that I was a problem. I saw that my heart, my attitude, and my beliefs were not only wrong but that I was hurting. I was hurting others and I was hurting myself. I saw that who I was trying to be was not an example of a Christ follower. I was not full of love. I was full of pride.

Who I am changed because of who I saw in the mirror. I cannot unsee her.

I'd love to say here and now that I am free of all of the things I have seen. I'd love to be able to write and say that I do not have scars, nightmare, or understand what trauma is and how we can all carry it. I cannot say those things.

I cannot say that I have moved on from trying so desperately hard to be my younger, naïve self either.

Here is where my heart and mind are after I shared that simple post to my Instagram stories, taking a few sips of my salted caramel coffee, and letting a few self-pity tears fall down my cheek. Here is what my God, my heart, and my Bible are telling me this morning;

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

I miss my old self and I can promise you that I always will, but I am who I am and I cannot change that. I have seen the things I have seen and experienced the things I have experienced because God has allowed me to experience and see them.

I whole heartedly believe that God is sovereign and works all things not for our own good, but for His good. I believe that God knows my past and my future. I believe and trust that God allowed me to open my eyes and see things differently and that God will use the things that I have seen for His glory and His purpose.

I've dropped the pride, I know it's not about me or what I can do, or be.

It is all about Him. It is all about what He wants me to see and who He wants me to become.

The preacher at a small non-denominational church I attended yesterday said this in His sermon "God first bruises those He uses." I think that statement goes hand in hand with my Insta quote.

I know that God allowed me to see the good and the bad in my life. God allowed me to naïve and live in a protected bubble; and He also allowed me to witness hurt and pain within a church setting. I now can move forward knowing that God will use this new person that I am becoming for His glory and His plan. I just have to let go of who I once was and know that I am growing. I am bruised, but I am going to allow Him to use me.

He will make a way in my wilderness and rivers in the desert. He will create a new person in me because of what I have seen.